Have you ever looked at your baby picture and asked yourself, “Am I the person you thought I was going to be?” I know that sounds weird asking a baby picture a question, but what do you think your answer would be? Identity, or lack of, affects not only your own well-being but the goodness of others.
Back in 2006, I had one of those “clarity moments”. I’d been in corporate life for a few years; I had a nice paycheck and benefits. Yet I was anxious. I remember looking around the office and asking myself, “Is this what I want my life to look like?” Windowless office, sitting, doing more work than my superior, sitting, trying to look busy on slow days, and sitting. My eyes were tired, my butt was sore, and I felt underappreciated. The worst part was I started to feel disconnected from myself. My abilities and gifts were not being used the way I imagined them to be. Have you been there?
I wanted to blame someone else
I wanted to blame someone else for my circumstance, but I couldn’t because I owned it. You see, I’m NOT a desk-sitting-for-8-hours kind of person, but I didn’t know that then. In fact, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I just went through the motions, identifying myself with my job like everyone else. Get this; more than 70% of people in the workforce aren’t satisfied with their career choices. Well, I was certainly one of those people.*
“Oh Dear God, what do I do?” I prayed. I wasn’t expecting to hear anything back; I just prayed to get it off my shoulders and put it on His.
About a day after that prayer I felt a thump, thump, thump. Something was trying to get my attention. “Who’s there?” A few days went by and again I heard the thumping. On that particular weekend, my parents cleaned their bookshelves and gave me my old photo album. I used to look through this album all the time as a kid. But that evening after I got home, I sat quietly on my bed and flipped through the pages with adult eyes. As I looked inside myself through the pigtails, dirt scuffed knees, and dress-up clothes; I could sense God talking to me but I wasn’t sure what He was saying. So I left it.
‘eh, no big deal’
In 2007 I memorized a few Bible verses thinking ‘eh, no big deal’, but before I knew it I was sitting in my boss’s office reciting the verses and giving up my desk chair! It wasn’t all unicorns and rainbows after I left. In fact, the funny thing was…it didn’t solve my core problem at all, but I now knew what my problem was. My whole obstacle in finding Joy in my journey was my lack of validation that I even existed!
Back to the photo album, I went to look specifically at my baby picture. I wanted to see what God saw when He created me. As my eyes warmed, my heart dropped a little. After a catch of my breath, I squinted deeply into the picture. My heart thumped, like that thumping, I felt earlier. And I whispered, “I see you. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll catch up.”
My blog started from an identity crisis.
It’s taken me a while to understand that Identity isn’t a fixed ‘thing’. It isn’t a job, label, health issue, birth order, or past event ‘deal’. Identity isn’t something perfect in its right place. It’s a breathing beat that influences our choices. At times we hear the beat clearly and in a rhythmic pattern; other times it’s faint and conflicting.
During those faint times, life can be frustrating, stressful, and a bit depressing. I’ve been there. And to think this crisis only affects you, is wrong. The people around you feel it too. From that point on I was on a quest to figure out how to make harmony with my identity and what the world throws at it. It’s been a fun ride and an eye-opening venture; I can’t wait to share all I’ve learned and experienced. So I made it my mission to help people find value in themselves and for them to live a life that brings value to others.
One of the ways to do this is to get a better understanding of our identity. Not just by searching within, but looking up. We were made for a reason, so why not ask Him what it is? I want to play my unique beat in a way that sends an inspiring message for the world to hear and learn from. Don’t you? So when you feel the thumping; I hope you know where to look to find out ‘Who’s there’ because without your unique beat, the world suffers a little bit more. Take a look at your baby picture this weekend and ask it a question.
*For more reading about your career and shocking statistics Forbes has a good article here.
By CT Copyright © 2018 More Than Existence All Rights Reserved.